Doctor Talk

Posted On: Thursday - August 16th 2018 8:21PM MST
In Topics: 
  Humor  Healthcare Stupidity

IS IT SAFE!* Admit it! You have chronic flatulence!

To (possibly) wrap-up the posts on Doctors, generated unexpectedly by the post about the strangely-murdered Houston Cardiologist, something from somewhere on the internet reminded me of some of the weird doctor terminology. I guess the nurses probably are part of this too - they'll jump on the bandwagon, if it gets them in tight with the Docs.

This is not about Latin, but, come to think of it: These guys learn lots of Latin terminology in Medical School (in fact, taking Latin beforehand can be a real help). That's fine, you've got to stick to the existing terminology, unless you're Chinese, and you call "arteries" "blood pipes". That's one thing, contrary to my other opinions about the Chinese language, that I do like. The Chinese DON'T make up new words when they can use perfectly useful normal words to make up the necessary words. (This may because the DON'T have Latin and Greek to reach back to.) The literal translation of a phone, at least a mobile one, is "electric talk".

Doctors have Latin terms, though, even for simple business stuff. The generic drug names are all still in Latin, it seems. Doctors say "locum tenens" for temporary assignments, when they could say "contract job" like the rest of us. I guess it makes them sound real edumacated, haha! I'm surprised they don't come up with a Latin term for Stat, or maybe they did. Nurse, fetch my patient, stat, statorum, statiamus, .... and HURRY UP doin' it!

It's the perfectly normal English words they use in just weird ways that is kind of humorous, though. The word that came up somewhere recently was "present" in a form that doesn't use an object (it normal does). "This disease presents as a bunch of big warts around the genital area." is an example (luckily not a personal example!) How do they get off talking and writing like this? You can't just make up your own usage of an already well-known verb like this. Who do these doctors think they are? I think their insanity presents as crazy talk.

The funniest ones are the use of "admit" and "deny" to denote a patient's yes or no to questions about his symptoms. "The patient denies having chest pains." "No, absolutely not, Doc. I swear on my Mudda's grave! I don't care what you write down on the chart, and what you hear on that stethoscope, I don't have chest pains." "Patient admits to joint pain in the knees." "OK, OK, you got me, Doc. My knees hurt! There, I said it - are you happy now?! Now, get the nurse to stop banging on them with the ball-peen hammer, and get your finger outta my ass! My knees hurt!" "OK, that wasn't so hard - I'm gonna write you up some knee medication and schedule in for another struggle session once we check your insurance. Oh, and I don't know how you came to get those Betty Davis knees, but worst of all, young man, you've got Industrial Disease."

*To get this, one must have seen the old 1976 flick, Marathon Man.

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