"Someone told me it's all happening at the zoo...

Posted On: Monday - March 26th 2018 9:31AM MST
In Topics: 
  Music  Treehuggers  Curmudgeonry

I do believe it, I do believe it's true."

How can the zoo NOT be a fun experience, at least for the humans, and most of the other animals too? It's an old fun Simon & Garfunkle song, embedded at the bottom of this post.
"The monkeys stand for honesty,
giraffes are insincere,
and the elephants are kindly,
but they're dumb.
Orangutans are skeptical
of changes in their cages,
and the zookeeper is very fond of rum.
Zebras are reactionaries.
Antelopes are missionaries.
Pigeons plot in secrecy,
and hamsters turn on frequently.
What a gas! You gotta come and see
at the zoo...."
Paul Simon's knowledge of animal sociology aside, yeah, how can it NOT be fun? Well, I'll tell you (remember "Curmudgeonry" is one of our biggest and dearest topic keys on the Peak Stupidity blog). See, it' s the treehuggers this time. You've got a nice family day going on, right? You've told the kids we will hang out here and watch the seals and sea lions get fed and put on a show (see lions have external ears, so that's how you know the difference).

Now, the nice 20-y/o or so girl with a microphone was saying hello to some of the kids to pass the time waiting for the show time. The sea lions (with external ears) and the seals (without) were doing some high-speed passes as once they saw or heard (hmmm, they got ears, right?) the crowd gathering, they knew food was not far away. It was all going well until this girl started to give the introduction. No, wait, that was OK so far. She told us the difference between the seal lions and seals (the ears for one - I! GET! THAT! / editor-Carlson] ) and more interesting facts. Holy moley some of these sea mammals are > 500 lb! Fine.

Then, there was a 2-minute guilt-induced disclaimer of how these guys (and gals, I guess... the males have external uh...) were ABSOLUTELY NOT doing TRICKS for you kids ... no, no, this was normal behavior, not like in the official Sea World. They were acting out their normal impulses, not being sea bitches for THE MAN! Who cares? I'm sure they don't care, the kids in the audience didn't care, WTF lady? Hang on, it got lots worse.

"OK, maybe she's done." I kept thinking over and over, as now the girl wholeheartedly went into a talk about how these sea guys (and gals) may choke on plastic in the ocean. It does not all come into the sea directly, but lots comes from inland via rivers. She never just came out and said "Don't litter, people!", but that's all it comes down to. WE! GET! THAT! There are fines for littering. It's a different world from 30 years back, when, I'll admit, people didn't care very much, at least out in the country. However, if she'd just gotten this rant over with, then I'd have been fine with that. WE! GET! THAT! END! IT!

It kept going. The girl talked throughout the whole damn time that the feeding was going on, and these creatures were jumping onto land, popping up here and there, and swimming like madmen. How can you enjoy it, when the girl was lecturing us the whole time, loud enough on the PA to drown out (pun intended) the splashes and voices of these cool sea creatures? You just ruined it, you annoying treehugger, for all of us. Man, I will tell you that, were the wife not there, I'd have made on simple remark in front of the hundreds of people. "WE! GET! IT! SIT! DOWN! Let us watch these beautiful creatures in peace, dammit!"

I didn't see another animal in the whole rest of the zoo as annoying as this well-meaning fun-spoiling broad, and I'm counting the monkeys. Maybe external ears are not all they're cartilaged up to be.

Here's the annotation under the most popular youtube upload of At the Zoo

"The song is one of Paul Simon's many tributes to his hometown of New York City. The narrative tells the story of a trip to the Central Park Zoo, perhaps under the influence of drugs; when the singer reaches the zoo, he anthropomorphizes the animals in various amusing ways, with a resulting cynical eye towards ..."

Dude, yes it was the 1960's, but it was not ALL about drugs, as far as I don't remember. It's just a song.

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